I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
