so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
All the doctor said was why
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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