Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry about my life...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize