Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
BRING THE BAGELS
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
