You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
