Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
