i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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