My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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