Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
