I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
