hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
