I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
