worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
