Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
