gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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