we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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