"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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