I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
