why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
