He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
