Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
