good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
