Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i think i just lost a toe
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
