At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
