I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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