I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
