Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
