I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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