I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i wish my penis had a tongue
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
