If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
