"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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