I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
