I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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