Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
