can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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