my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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