She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize