i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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