I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
