$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
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