Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
