Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
