On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
