my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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