Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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