My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize