I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Randomize
