Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
