Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
