yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
