Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
