and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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