While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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