My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
