I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
where are you?
Hypothermia
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
