Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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