I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
