i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
