she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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