woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
